Anniversary

An essay about loss.

Note: This short essay was written for my late friend, and, as a result, reader discretion is advised. While most of our content is uplifting, this one honestly presents grief and loss.

As you took your own life, I was jet lagged and half asleep in the middle seat of an airplane.

I don’t know what to make of the fact that this plane flew almost directly over you, and how, if I had a window seat, I might have seen your car far below me. I like to think that this was God’s way of bringing us close one last time.

***

But when I am less optimistic, I remember I didn’t tell you I was landing that day.

Would you have waited—if I called you early that morning, half-awake at my connecting airport?

Would it have mattered?

***

You and ___ were the only Chinese speakers in our grade. Her last name was Wang, and some of our classmates made a crude dick joke about both of you. I heard the “joke” twice, from two different people.

I replied “That joke isn’t funny, and doesn’t even make sense.”

***

But the joke wasn’t supposed to make sense, it was supposed to be cruel.

***

One of the kids who made that joke joined the army and was made to learn Chinese.

***

Fate creates strange apologies.

***

Or maybe not.

***

I skipped your funeral because I told myself you’d want me to be happy, and keep traveling, like you loved to do. But I think some part of me didn’t want to admit that it was real.

***

I didn’t cry about you for six months.

Then I cried a lot.

***

My mother told me there was an open casket, and you were wearing a beanie. The next day, I saw a man wearing a beanie and I shuddered. Later in the day, a woman in Los Angeles had one too, and I felt that pang of hurt.

***

In high school, there was a student basketball competition, and the players were chosen by vote. The gym teacher took us two aside and told us that we had received the fewest number of votes. To make things worse, there was only one spot left. So we each played half as long as anyone else.

***

But I’m proud we shared last place.

***

At the student talent competition you told me you’d perform a dance to a Jay Chou song, and you asked friends to join. Nobody else wanted to join you, because it was so obvious they would make fun of us.

***

I was also afraid to join.

***

But I did it anyway, because we were friends, even though I knew we would be teased for it.

***

And I was right.

***

When I heard the news I didn’t believe it. I went to message you on Instagram, and I saw that little green dot — ‘Active Yesterday.’

***

I screenshotted that page three times.

***

But I didn’t send you any messages, because it felt too strange.

***

On Christmas Day, eight months ago, I met you at a deserted golf course and we walked in the cold.

You smiled a lot that day.